Sleep Aide

As I was taking my Ambien, Hubby said "Do you take that every night?".   When I answered yes he said "I think you are addicted to those things.....Hey!  Wouldn't it be great if the only way you could get your Ambien was if it was released with semen?  Then we BOTH could get a good night's sleep!"

Perfect Woman

Hubby grabbed me, hugged me tightly and said "You know, you could not be more perfect to me......well, maybe if you could shit tamales..."

How Long?

Hubby:  "It was a week ago when we had sex."

Me:  "It was three days ago....THREE DAYS AGO!  What?  You were calculating it in dog years?"

Nipple-seur

While he was paying attention to my nipples I said "You know if nipple nibbling were an art form, you would be like a DaVinci."

Elvis Concert Tragedy

I was singing My Way this morning and shared a story about one of my cousins. Many years ago it was announced that Elvis would be playing at Rupp Arena, My Cousin, Mary camped out for three days to make sure she got tickets for the Elvis concert.  Then before the concert date arrived, Elvis Presley died.  Rather than take her tickets back for a refund, Mary opted to save them as a memento. Who knows?  They might be worth a little money for an Elvis memorabilia collector.

Hubby says "Well that says a lot about Elvis.  I mean if he would rather die on the shitter than play in Kentucky.  Sounds like the King knew Kentucky sucked."

Poetic Penis

"My throbbing manhood is merely an extension of my beating heart."

Bad Fortune Cookie

Hubby and I had Chinese food for lunch and when the check and cookies arrived I read my fortune cookie aloud "Get your mind set....Confidence will lead you on." He read his "You have a deep appreciation of music and arts." I said "Not only does your fortune really suck......mine is amazing which makes yours suck even more."

Romeo Come On

We were watching The English Patient last night and I commented on how poetic and erotic Ralph Fiennes' character was.  Not to be outdone, Hubby shouts "Oh fair maiden, thine beauty leaves my manhood throbbing with lust!"

Love Has Limits

Hubby:  "I love you so much."
Me:  "More than anything?"
Hubby:  "Yes.......except for a really good rack of ribs."

Doggy Style

Our dog Brutus jumped up in the bed and immediately started licking his pecker.  I yelled "Stop that!  There will be no pecker licking in this bed!".  Hubby said "I wish I could do that."  I looked him in the eye and said "Ya know what?  I wish you could too."

Past Gas Forgotten

Last night Hubby and I were lying in bed when I heard him pass gas.  Several moments passed before the odor hit my side of the bed and I yelled "You are rank!".  He said "What?  I haven't done anything."  I said "I suppose you didn't hear that trumpet sound coming out of your ass?".  Chuckling he said "I must have fartnesia." 

Mr. Wrong

She has been married four times.  I'm pretty sure if you added all four of those men together, you would still end up short of a whole man.

Something Fishy

Last night I was watching TV when a commercial for a reality show came on.  The show is called "Wicked Tuna" and it follows crews of a few tuna boats.  I started laughing and told Hubby "Wicked Tuna sounds like a really bad STD....ya know like DUDE she has some really wicked tuna!".

Textorcist

Hubby called me and when I started chewing him out about his leaving a mess in the kitchen, he hung up on me.  A few minutes later I got a text message that said "When your head stops spinning around let me know so I can come home"

Racist Dog

As we came to a stop at the intersection, an African-American man walked in front of our car and crossed the street.  My dog, Brutus, perked his ears up and growled.  I looked at my husband and said "Do you think Brutus is racist?  I mean all this time he could have been barking racial slurs right to a person's face and they wouldn't have any idea.  How cool would it be to be able to yell things at people you don't like with no fear of reprisal?  Brutus is brilliant!".

Gift of Giving

Hubby to Me:  "So let me get this straight.  You booked me 4 back-to-back massages today and you are taking MY gift certificate and getting yourself a massage.  Nice!"

Pillow Talk

Me:  "I'm really sleepy."
Hubby:  "I want sex."
Me:  "Is that your way of offering to put me to sleep?"

Poop Happens

Hubby took our dog for a walk and upon their return he said "He took a tremendous dump.  If I were to poop to my size equivalent it would have been 5 pounds, or at least a solid 3."  I said "What a keen observation.  Thanks for sharing."

KY Jelly

We were in Wal-mart and one of the items on our grocery list was KY Jelly so both of us were slowly wandering around the pharmacy area attempting to locate the stuff.  I had just rounded the corner of the aisle where Hubby was shopping when he yelled "Hey I found the KY!".   My face flamed red and I pretended not to know him so he yelled "What?  You think we are the only two people in Wal-mart  that are having sex?".

Irish John Holmes

Last night Hubby and I were trying out an authentic Mexican restaurant.  When our food arrived the cook had garnished Hubby's plate with a small, dark green pepper. Hubby picks the pepper up and says "Look, it's a leprechaun's wee penis."  I said "Well if that is height proportionate he must have been really well endowed."

Undercover Angel

Tonight, as I was telling my husband that a happy ending massage parlor might have recently opened for business in the shopping center where our massage clinic is operated, he said "Well I can go check it out.....you know it would be purely from a research point of view."

Stoned Sexy

Hubby and I were lying in bed after we had sex, when I wondered aloud "You know I was just lying here wondering if I was as sexy in the flesh as the version of me that I was seeing inside my mind.  I mean I thought I was being sexy but then I wondered if that was the weed and that I was really coming off special needs."

BoKIMian Rhapsody

Hubby and I were walking thru the park around dusk and I remarked "I wish we would see another owl tonight, but I guess that is a pretty rare thing these days."  Hubby says "Well I didn't really see the owl the last time.  I just saw a silhouette."  I excitedly break into Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody and sing "You saw a silhouette-a of an owl!  Scaramush!  Scaramush!  Will you do the fandango?"

Incest is Best

Hubby grabs me around the waist and says "Lets make love like only 2 hillbillies can! C'mon Sister Cousin." What a tard....

About Those Ornaments

This year, while I was taking down the Christmas tree, I bitched non-stop.  Swore that I definitely would not be putting up a tree next year.  Hubby walks by and says "Well if you're not putting a tree up, why bother packing those ornaments so well?".  Sometimes he simply knocks the wind right out of my pissitivity.